一路走來的２年間

今日は気持ちいっぱい、いっぱい。Today am going to write a long story, my love story. 2nd August marked the 2nd year annivesary of our meeting. I have tasted all the ups and downs of relationship, for the first time in my life.

1st stage -First 6 months of dating it was of course the sweetest thing ever happened

2nd stage - 2nd 6months i started to feel irritated by bf attitude,

3rd stage - 1 year and 1 month, we started our LDR, it was like hell at least to me, not sure bout him

4th stage - 1 year and 8th month, i said lets breakoff for the first time

5th stage - 2nd year 3 weeks we decided to get married.

From the very beginning i know this is not going to be easy and i took up this so call as challenge. During the first year, i always remind myself, culture differences comes along, so bear with it, compromise, try to mould into what he wanted me to be. I changed without me realising it, i was tamed by him. Slowly, i am afraid of voicing out my opinion, worry that i might say something "wrong" just to avoid any arguement. I swallow my pride, appologise for no specific reason just to get thing settle. When we just started LDR, bf is demanding and became more unreasonable. Need not to say my stress level built up all along, have finally up to my neck. After months of LDR, i realise it just didnt work for tolerating blindly, slowly i voice up again, feeling like being myself again. When i was in jp the last trip, i am ready to give up.. i said lets put a stop here and take a break, im a tired, but we make up again just because his friend was there to listen and judge, completely i voice out all my dissatisfaction, he appologise and lets make up again. His friends was really a god sent. Whenever i have hard time with bf i try to talk to my friends, but all i have is only negative point of view. I mean of course i understand they are telling me for good sake. What my friends said? " dont see any reason you and him will be happy, happy marriage? it is like next to impossible天方夜谭", "think seriously, he is worth"?.

Friends cant understand and dont see things from J perspective, i feel difficult to actually open up and besides, i try to avoid all negatives opinion as much as i could since im already so down in LDR, i choose as much as possible not to review. When i tried to tell my friends, J has different perspective, friends said, "J is still human not that they are so different from us, so what the heck you are trying to tell here".Maybe i have implanted in my friends all of bf bad images. Wonder if he is really that bad, then why continue this relationship? When i was in Singapore recently, bf asked, wonder why you like me? To my surprise, i cant spontaneously give him an answer. Well, i guess, the only thing i like about him is that, he is a "correctable" person. When i made a comment about him, he will think, justify and apologise if he is wrong. All these years i have seen and witness the changes and i appreciate the effort he has taken. Bf is like my piece of work, a pot of plant that i have spent all my heart to take care, nurture, effort to see the result, so i treasure this relationship so much though no doubt it has been hard on me. A year of LDR is good to know better about myself, about him and know what i really want and how i want it to be. I dearly love this man, but also in the LDR i get to know that only love alone will not survive a relationship, it takes more than love.

At last decision has been made, bf is coming to see my mom to talk about our marriage this weekend. We have not plan much, just taking the opportunity that he is in singapore and can make a short trip to KL to talk about this issue. Not discussing about wedding dinner, just a brief talk about taking wedding photograph etc. Then happily i told my friends about it. First question by friends "whats next after the meeting"?, when is the wedding dinenr? where you wanna take the pic? when my answer is NO to every answer, heart sick statement made "you call this marriage"? "what for want to get married just like that"?" you are like selling yourself to him""無性格”。It was really a hurting statement especially it comes from close friends, of course again, they just wanna remind me not to give in easily but sometimes i just want a word of comfort or maybe expression in another better way. I am one of the not patient person, i dont like to stay in stagnant in one stage for long, what i want is only get out of LDR ASAP and proceed with my life. I am not sure, maybe im just a simple woman who thought, i have found the man i want in my life and get married. or maybe someone have to be there to understand my feeling. When being separated is so hard for me, and when the time you know you can be together soon, any other thing will not be important anymore. Maybe 1 day when if my marriage gone wrong somewhere someday, when i look back at my post today, i will feel how gullible i am, i will regret of not words of friends but at this moment, i choose to follow my heart.

- The end-